thoughts

Brain Dump by Craig Kerbrat

Alright. Here goes a new blog post. I don't have anything new to report on the creativity front. I'm still stalled there. And I'm feeling stalled in more ways than one.

I don't know if this is necessarily the type of thing I want to post on my blog, but I feel like I need to post something, and I need to get out some thoughts rolling around in my head. So, win/win?

I've been talking for a while about how I'm struggling to figure out what mark I'll leave in the world. I want to create something, to tell a story that someone will remember. But I've had no luck figuring out what it is, or even what medium to use.

And all I want to do right now is figure that out.

But I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to focus.

I can't seem to even find myself right now.

I've been going through a lot of major life changes lately. My romantic relationship recently broke down, so I'm adjusting to being single again, while remaining temporarily in a state of cohabitation. Which just makes the lines strange and blurry.

I've also lost the home I've lived in for the majority of my time since I moved here. And it's been a struggle to find something affordable. I've been staying with friends in a great neighbourhood, and I'd love nothing more than to stay in the area, but it seems to be impossible.

And it's starting to feel like I'm in the way.

I've found a new place to live for November, and on paper it's great. It's a really nice top floor of a house. Three bedrooms with two roommates, so it's affordable. Laundry, dishwasher. My own private bathroom. Close to transit and grocery stores.

But it's not what I wanted. I really wanted to stay in this area, and while the new place is not in a bad neighbourhood, it's not where I wanted to be. And I have roommates. I really wanted to have a place to myself. For the first time in my life.

But it's basically impossible unless I want to spend 80% of my income on rent. It's really ridiculous.

Basically, I just feel like I'm in limbo. I'm in between. Can't move forward, can't go back. I'm stuck.

And I feel really sad about it.

And maybe I should figure out a way to harness those sad feelings. Stories have sad parts. Heck, pretty much every Disney movie starts out with the saddest thing ever. So maybe I need to embrace these feelings and use them for good. Stop wallowing.

'Cause if you know me, you know I'm generally a pretty positive guy. I'm not gonna let this keep me down. I've gone through a lot worse and come out okay.

So now I guess it's time to get to work.

Comic-Con 2017, 1 Month Later by Craig Kerbrat

I did it again. I had all of these great ideas in my head that I would blog about Comic-Con while I was there, but clearly that didn't happen. There's too much going on to take time out to write about it. And then immediately afterwards I'm too burnt out to even think about chronicling the events.

But looking back at my previous post leading up to Comic-Con, I noticed that going into it was exactly how I felt coming out of it. The people and the events all felt inspiring to me. Everyone who goes to Comic-Con is really excited to be there, whether they're a fan, a creator, or both, and I'm once again reminded that I'd like to be the "both" part of that.

I still haven't figured out what my "thing" is. I know I can be creative. But it requires putting in the effort, and I'm still struggling with that. I don't know if it's just pure laziness, or if the added fear of failure is holding me back, but I know I need to get over it. I need to figure out what it is that I can contribute to the world. I want to make my mark.

I sometimes think I'd like to be a writer. Which is why I do this. Practice. And an outlet. But I haven't really had any good story ideas in a long time. I have a few rolling around in the back of my mind, but I haven't fleshed them out yet.

I sometimes think I'd rather be a journalist of some sort. Which is also writing, but writing the stories of others. But I have a lot to learn there. I regret not pursuing schooling on the subject.

I also sometimes think that maybe I'd like to have some sort of YouTube channel. But then I can't think what the subject of my channel would be. Am I interesting enough to just talk about things on camera? Or do I record adventures out in the world? Do I show off the things I love close to home?

Is anything I would have to say or show interesting or original enough to bother with?

These are all of the things that plague my brain when I think that I might be inspired to create something. And I'm sure they're the same things that other people struggle with. Probably even the successful ones. So I need to get over it.

Because how am I ever going to get to be a guest at Comic-Con if I don't even try?

Comic-Con 2017, T-Minus 5 Days by Craig Kerbrat

Again, it's been too long since I've updated this. But it's almost Comic-Con time again, so I'm bringing it back.

It's been a hectic month or so in the life of thenoblehero, but things are stable enough for me to focus on Comic-Con and get really really ridiculously excited about it.

Whenever I go to Comic-Con I can't help but feel inspired by all of the creativity going on around me. Whether it's all of the great content being shown off at the booths and panels, or the awesome art being sold, the great stories being told, or the amazing cosplay that people put so much work into. It's all so amazing and it reminds me that I want to put something out there too. 

I wish I could figure out what my "thing" is. Maybe it's writing something awesome. A comic series, or a novel, or short stories. Maybe I should be telling other people's stories. Or maybe it's talking about the things I love on my own YouTube channel or podcast. I just know I want to be doing something creative. 

I was about to say that I just don't know what it is yet. But that's not the reason I haven't done it yet. It's because I haven't put in the work yet. And I haven't managed to get over my fear yet. Fear often stops my from doing things. Fear of failure. Fear of being made fun of. Fear of being ignored, or disliked. Fear of the unknown.

I want to do great things. So I should just do them. And not think so much about what might go wrong. Just have fun with it. 

Maybe that will be my focus this year at Comic-Con. Really take in the creative energy and use it to do something special. 'Cause I'd really like to go to Comic-Con with something to show people someday, so I can be a real part of the magic. 

That's the dream.