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Best Intentions by Craig Kerbrat

I started this year with a plan. Goals. Intentions. And I’ve been sorta good with some of them. But this blog. It’s the end of February and this is my third post.

I still don’t really know what I want to post on this blog. It’s been years now and I still don’t know. But I want to post something. So let’s just do a quick revisit of the goals I set for myself for the year.

Goal #1 Update: Blog More

Oops. This one... is not going so well so far. as I mentioned above, I just don’t know what to post here. I haven’t gone on any exciting adventures lately. I haven’t been inspired to do anything creative. So I don’t know what to post.

But I guess I could start posting about the small adventures. Movies. New restaurants. Stuff like that. It’s something to consider... 

Goal #2 Update: Be More Social

This one I actually have been a bit better at. I’ve been making an effort to get out more. I’ve been seeing my nerdy friends more often. Although the last few weeks have been fairly infrequent. 

I also started dating someone, and I’ve been meeting and hanging out with some of his friends. Meeting large groups of new people is really not easy for me. But I’m trying. 

Goal #3 Update: Take More Pictures

Do douchey gym selfies count? 

I’ve been trying to take lots of pictures, but I still struggle to find interesting things to post on Instagram. I could definitely make a better effort here. 

Goal #4 Update: More Adventures

This one is ongoing. I’ve got a few things planned. A few ideas for future adventures. And I’ve been trying to do more little adventures close to home as well. 

In April I’ll definitely have adventures to talk about. Maybe some things sooner. And hopefully more things later.

Goal #5 Update: Figure Out Life

Hahahahaha. Yeah. I don’t think I’m any closer to this one. I do feel a little less lost, and I feel like I’ve got some hopes for the future now. But I’m far from having anything figured out. 

I do know that I’m not ready to give up on Vancouver yet. That was something I had been contemplating. But I love my job. And I love my friends. And a lot of the bitter feelings of last year are beginning to fade away. So there won’t be any running away any time soon.

I’ll figure things out as I go. Or something. 

 (Random beach photo from Sunday inserted for no reason other than that it was a beautiful day.)

 (Random beach photo from Sunday inserted for no reason other than that it was a beautiful day.)

This is 33 by Craig Kerbrat

It’s my birthday! it’s the beginning of a new year of life. A time to reflect, and a time to look forward.

Because my birthday is so close to the beginning of the year, reflecting on the last year more or less goes hand in hand with reflecting on 2017. And as I've said before, 32 kinda sucked. A lot of things came apart. A lot of things ended. I had a lot of emotions.

But 32 was also a rebuilding year. I took the lumps, and started on the road to bettering my life. And because of that, I think 33 is looking to be a pretty awesome year.

When everything started falling apart, I started exercising. And I think that might have been essential in helping me get through it all. I've been going to the gym every day before work for a few months now, and that on top of the outdoor exercise I got over the summer, I'm currently in the best shape I've ever been in. Maybe it's a bit braggy to say that, but I'm really proud of myself for it.

So the first day of 33, even though I was tired, I got up and went to the gym like every other day. And I felt awesome for it. It started off my day on a great note.

(Totally just an opportunity to post a shameless selfie.) 

(Totally just an opportunity to post a shameless selfie.) 

The awesome continued throughout the day as the birthday wishes started pouring in via text messages and social media. There really is no better ego boost than a birthday on Facebook. I know it does the work by reminding everyone, but I love getting those birthday wishes. It's a major reminder that I'm loved. And there have been many times over the last year where I wondered about that. Depression is stupid that way. So the wishes really bolster the mind from those feelings.

On top of that, I’ve been spoiled all day long. Birthday cards, birthday presents, treats, and a fantastic dinner out. It’s been a fantastic day. 

All of this is basically to say that things are looking up on the social front as well. If all of these people want to do something nice for me, I clearly have a lot of love coming my way, and a lot to send back.

I also think I’m doing a better job at getting my life under control. I have a long way to go with it, but I’m working at it. Setting small goals, working towards them. Doing simple things like setting up dentist appointments (with help), dealing with rental insurance, and getting in those regular medical check ups. All of these little things add up into becoming the responsible adult I’d like to be someday. 

In my last post I set a bunch of goals for myself for the year, and for life in general. But I can’t lose sight of how far I’ve come. All of the years leading up to now have been a journey with many ups and downs. And now we’re here. This is 33. It’s gonna be my year. I can feel it.

New Year, New Goals by Craig Kerbrat

Alright. It’s January 1st again. And I did not use this blog really at all. I keep telling myself that I’m going to figure out why I pay to have this up here, and then I keep letting it just sit unused instead.

But it’s a new year. And that means new goals. Last year was not really a great year for me. But this year is going to be different. This year is going to be better. I’m going to make things happen this year. 

So let’s make it official. Let’s write down some goals. Let’s do something constructive. Here we go! 

Goal #1: Blog More

So what do I mean by that? Blogging more than last year basically just means I need to blog something like six times in the year, and I’ve accomplished it. But I don’t mean just more than last year.  

I’d like to blog once a week. At least. I’m going to find something interesting to talk about, and throw it here. Maybe talk about a movie I’ve seen. Or a show I’m watching. A book I’m reading. Something in the news. Something. 

Goal #2: Be More Social

Last year sucked, and what would have made it less sucky is if I had reached out to my friends and family for support. But I forgot that I can do that.

So this year, I’m going to make an effort to talk to people, hang out with people, and remember that I’m not alone.

Goal #3: Take More Pictures

This is a goal I’ve had in the past, and I’ve been a bit better at it, but there can always be improvement. I’m going to do my best to document my life and adventures, and share the pictures. Instagram is a great thing, and I want to utilize it more.

Goal #4: More Adventures

To go with the above, I want to do more things that are worth taking pictures of. I want to go on adventures. I want to see things and places I’ve never seen before. I want to have more fun times with the people I care about. I want to have more to write about here, and post on Instagram, and to Tweet about. 

Goal #5: Figure Out Life

This one I’m not really sure on. It could mean so many different things. But since last year I felt so very lost, I really want this year to be focused on figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I want to feel like I’m on a proper path to my future, whatever that’s going to be. 

I’m going to leave that vague, because right now I don’t know where I want to live, what I want to do with my life, who I want to do it with, or how I want to get there. So there are a lot of pieces to figure out. And that’s okay. I don’t have to figure it all out now. But it’ll be a journey to follow this year, and many years going forward.

So that’s my first blog post of 2018. We’ll see how well I can push towards my goals. Hopefully I’ll be keeping you updated here on a regular basis. Or something. 

Brain Dump by Craig Kerbrat

Alright. Here goes a new blog post. I don't have anything new to report on the creativity front. I'm still stalled there. And I'm feeling stalled in more ways than one.

I don't know if this is necessarily the type of thing I want to post on my blog, but I feel like I need to post something, and I need to get out some thoughts rolling around in my head. So, win/win?

I've been talking for a while about how I'm struggling to figure out what mark I'll leave in the world. I want to create something, to tell a story that someone will remember. But I've had no luck figuring out what it is, or even what medium to use.

And all I want to do right now is figure that out.

But I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to focus.

I can't seem to even find myself right now.

I've been going through a lot of major life changes lately. My romantic relationship recently broke down, so I'm adjusting to being single again, while remaining temporarily in a state of cohabitation. Which just makes the lines strange and blurry.

I've also lost the home I've lived in for the majority of my time since I moved here. And it's been a struggle to find something affordable. I've been staying with friends in a great neighbourhood, and I'd love nothing more than to stay in the area, but it seems to be impossible.

And it's starting to feel like I'm in the way.

I've found a new place to live for November, and on paper it's great. It's a really nice top floor of a house. Three bedrooms with two roommates, so it's affordable. Laundry, dishwasher. My own private bathroom. Close to transit and grocery stores.

But it's not what I wanted. I really wanted to stay in this area, and while the new place is not in a bad neighbourhood, it's not where I wanted to be. And I have roommates. I really wanted to have a place to myself. For the first time in my life.

But it's basically impossible unless I want to spend 80% of my income on rent. It's really ridiculous.

Basically, I just feel like I'm in limbo. I'm in between. Can't move forward, can't go back. I'm stuck.

And I feel really sad about it.

And maybe I should figure out a way to harness those sad feelings. Stories have sad parts. Heck, pretty much every Disney movie starts out with the saddest thing ever. So maybe I need to embrace these feelings and use them for good. Stop wallowing.

'Cause if you know me, you know I'm generally a pretty positive guy. I'm not gonna let this keep me down. I've gone through a lot worse and come out okay.

So now I guess it's time to get to work.

Comic-Con 2017, 1 Month Later by Craig Kerbrat

I did it again. I had all of these great ideas in my head that I would blog about Comic-Con while I was there, but clearly that didn't happen. There's too much going on to take time out to write about it. And then immediately afterwards I'm too burnt out to even think about chronicling the events.

But looking back at my previous post leading up to Comic-Con, I noticed that going into it was exactly how I felt coming out of it. The people and the events all felt inspiring to me. Everyone who goes to Comic-Con is really excited to be there, whether they're a fan, a creator, or both, and I'm once again reminded that I'd like to be the "both" part of that.

I still haven't figured out what my "thing" is. I know I can be creative. But it requires putting in the effort, and I'm still struggling with that. I don't know if it's just pure laziness, or if the added fear of failure is holding me back, but I know I need to get over it. I need to figure out what it is that I can contribute to the world. I want to make my mark.

I sometimes think I'd like to be a writer. Which is why I do this. Practice. And an outlet. But I haven't really had any good story ideas in a long time. I have a few rolling around in the back of my mind, but I haven't fleshed them out yet.

I sometimes think I'd rather be a journalist of some sort. Which is also writing, but writing the stories of others. But I have a lot to learn there. I regret not pursuing schooling on the subject.

I also sometimes think that maybe I'd like to have some sort of YouTube channel. But then I can't think what the subject of my channel would be. Am I interesting enough to just talk about things on camera? Or do I record adventures out in the world? Do I show off the things I love close to home?

Is anything I would have to say or show interesting or original enough to bother with?

These are all of the things that plague my brain when I think that I might be inspired to create something. And I'm sure they're the same things that other people struggle with. Probably even the successful ones. So I need to get over it.

Because how am I ever going to get to be a guest at Comic-Con if I don't even try?

Comic-Con 2017, T-Minus 5 Days by Craig Kerbrat

Again, it's been too long since I've updated this. But it's almost Comic-Con time again, so I'm bringing it back.

It's been a hectic month or so in the life of thenoblehero, but things are stable enough for me to focus on Comic-Con and get really really ridiculously excited about it.

Whenever I go to Comic-Con I can't help but feel inspired by all of the creativity going on around me. Whether it's all of the great content being shown off at the booths and panels, or the awesome art being sold, the great stories being told, or the amazing cosplay that people put so much work into. It's all so amazing and it reminds me that I want to put something out there too. 

I wish I could figure out what my "thing" is. Maybe it's writing something awesome. A comic series, or a novel, or short stories. Maybe I should be telling other people's stories. Or maybe it's talking about the things I love on my own YouTube channel or podcast. I just know I want to be doing something creative. 

I was about to say that I just don't know what it is yet. But that's not the reason I haven't done it yet. It's because I haven't put in the work yet. And I haven't managed to get over my fear yet. Fear often stops my from doing things. Fear of failure. Fear of being made fun of. Fear of being ignored, or disliked. Fear of the unknown.

I want to do great things. So I should just do them. And not think so much about what might go wrong. Just have fun with it. 

Maybe that will be my focus this year at Comic-Con. Really take in the creative energy and use it to do something special. 'Cause I'd really like to go to Comic-Con with something to show people someday, so I can be a real part of the magic. 

That's the dream. 

New Start by Craig Kerbrat

Oh, hey long-ignored blog. How's it going? 

Not so great? Feeling abandoned?

I'm sorry about that.

I am not entirely sure what happened, but somehow I became entirely discouraged and unmotivated to post anything here, and every time I thought about posting something, I just kind of... didn't. So this is my first attempt at rectifying that. It's not a super exciting post, just me talking. But it's something!

A while ago I started to think that I had nothing "interesting" to say here, and my blog just kind of devolved into me posting about my fitness failures. And it just made me feel kind of bad about myself. So I stopped posting. 

But I've just read a really great book by an awesome internet lady, Felicia Day. You're Never Weird on the Internet (Almost). Here's some info about it. Go read it. It's cool. I laughed. I cried. While on an airplane surrounded by strangers. But most importantly, I was also inspired. 

I have creative ideas in my head that often get crushed down with "it's not good enough" thoughts, and reading Felicia's book has made me decide to try anyway. 

So I think for the time being, I'm going to chronicle my attempts to be creative here. And maybe post other nerdy stuff too. But I have this story idea I've been kicking around for a while, and I think it might finally be time to get to work on it properly. And then I can post my progress here. Remember that whole "being accountable" thing I use to talk about with my failed attempts at getting fit? Maybe it'll work better here.

In any case, this is a new starting point. So let's do this!