Brain Dump / by Craig Kerbrat

Alright. Here goes a new blog post. I don't have anything new to report on the creativity front. I'm still stalled there. And I'm feeling stalled in more ways than one.

I don't know if this is necessarily the type of thing I want to post on my blog, but I feel like I need to post something, and I need to get out some thoughts rolling around in my head. So, win/win?

I've been talking for a while about how I'm struggling to figure out what mark I'll leave in the world. I want to create something, to tell a story that someone will remember. But I've had no luck figuring out what it is, or even what medium to use.

And all I want to do right now is figure that out.

But I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to focus.

I can't seem to even find myself right now.

I've been going through a lot of major life changes lately. My romantic relationship recently broke down, so I'm adjusting to being single again, while remaining temporarily in a state of cohabitation. Which just makes the lines strange and blurry.

I've also lost the home I've lived in for the majority of my time since I moved here. And it's been a struggle to find something affordable. I've been staying with friends in a great neighbourhood, and I'd love nothing more than to stay in the area, but it seems to be impossible.

And it's starting to feel like I'm in the way.

I've found a new place to live for November, and on paper it's great. It's a really nice top floor of a house. Three bedrooms with two roommates, so it's affordable. Laundry, dishwasher. My own private bathroom. Close to transit and grocery stores.

But it's not what I wanted. I really wanted to stay in this area, and while the new place is not in a bad neighbourhood, it's not where I wanted to be. And I have roommates. I really wanted to have a place to myself. For the first time in my life.

But it's basically impossible unless I want to spend 80% of my income on rent. It's really ridiculous.

Basically, I just feel like I'm in limbo. I'm in between. Can't move forward, can't go back. I'm stuck.

And I feel really sad about it.

And maybe I should figure out a way to harness those sad feelings. Stories have sad parts. Heck, pretty much every Disney movie starts out with the saddest thing ever. So maybe I need to embrace these feelings and use them for good. Stop wallowing.

'Cause if you know me, you know I'm generally a pretty positive guy. I'm not gonna let this keep me down. I've gone through a lot worse and come out okay.

So now I guess it's time to get to work.